hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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