My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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