she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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