Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All the doctor said was why
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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