uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
