he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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