i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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