woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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