My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize