my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
