I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
