C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
