Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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