I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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