Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
