Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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