i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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