She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
