Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
