never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
