We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
