Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
