but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
