You're so nebulous sometimes
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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