I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
