Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You ruined the universe
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
