one two three fourrrrnication!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
