I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
