WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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