Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
