my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
