im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
