my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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