I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
