ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
