so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
