Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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