Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
