My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
