oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
50% drunk capacity currently
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
