Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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