I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The best revenge is premature balding
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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