I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
this beer tastes like vomit already
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
