it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
