After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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