you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
