Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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