mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
