my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
