great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
