need another drink. this is the easiest way
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
