I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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