He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
