So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
