I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
