Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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