im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
