Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
