He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
