are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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