Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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