I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
