there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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