He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
