i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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